January 28, 2025 | Beth Leonard, LMFT
Intent vs. Impact
How Recognizing Impact Can Bring Healing and Health to Your Relationships
I’ve seen an issue crop up in my office a great deal recently. This issue negatively impacts relationships between partners, family members, friends, and work colleagues. Often, people attribute it to problems with communication and conflict resolution, but there is a deeper pattern involved. It can go something like this:
- When a couple is having an argument, one partner argues that they never intended to hurt the other, so why can’t they just give the benefit of the doubt and move on? Why make a big deal out of it?
- A friend feels hurt by another’s actions, and that person responds by saying, “I am a good person.” Effectively, this cuts off the opportunity to work through the hurt and causes the friend to distance and shut down.
- A mother doesn’t understand why explaining her intentions doesn’t help her teenaged daughter to de-escalate; instead, she stays angry and hurt.
Do any of those scenarios sound familiar? If so, you may benefit from understanding the gap between intent and impact.
The Deeper Meaning
First, let’s look at the deeper issues at play during relational conflict. I use this saying with my couples: “It’s never the toilet seat.” In other words, the stated issue of the argument – such as someone being late, interrupting, forgetting an event, or leaving down the toilet seat – is only the surface issue. Many people get caught in arguing about the surface issues and aren’t able to understand the deeper meaning that is being played out, causing them to miss the point entirely. The deeper issues at play are unmet needs, family-of-origin wounds, and deeper fears related to questions such as:
- Am I seen and safe with you?
- Will you offer soothing when I’m distressed or hurt?
- Do my needs matter?
- Can I depend on you?
- Am I loved?
These fears speak to our attachment wounds (which is a big subject we will get to in another blog post). For further reading, see The Power of Showing Up by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. While the focus of this book is on parenting, I find the book to be incredibly helpful in defining and fleshing out the goals of securely attached relationships, focusing on helping loved ones feel seen, safe, and soothed. If you are a parent of dependent children, I consider this a must-read book.
Defining the Gap
So, how does focusing on Intent and ignoring Impact cause harm in relationships? Let’s look at an example: I have a cup of tea in my hand, and on my way to the table, I trip and spill it on my friend. I certainly didn’t intend that to happen, but sadly my friend is still wet and uncomfortable, and nothing will change that fact. In response to such an event, I might feel compelled to explain and justify my actions in hopes that clarifying my intent can undo the impact. I could reason that if I can just convince you that I didn’t mean to hurt you, then you won’t feel hurt anymore.
Usually, this approach has the opposite impact; it actually increases someone’s pain by triggering their deeper issues or wounds! My loved one will likely feel invalidated, unheard, not valued, misunderstood, disregarded, and emotionally unsafe. This is diametrically opposed to what I desire the people I love to experience in our relationship!
Healthy (and Helpful!) Ways to Respond
When you acknowledge the intent and process through the impact together, both of you can leave the conversation feeling seen, safe, and soothed. The one that was hurt feels heard and validated in their experience, and the one who caused the hurt feels that, despite the misstep, their loved one still thinks well of them. In addition, the one who unintentionally hurt the other now has more information on how to prevent this in the future.
Suggestions if you have caused the harm:
1. Gauge your reactivity and focus on emotional regulation
Make sure you are within your window of tolerance (meaning that you have access to inner calm, perspective-taking, and true listening), rather than in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. It’s typical to become dysregulated when you feel guilt, shame, or blame, or when your loved one becomes dysregulated. If you aren’t regulated, it is better to step away, self-soothe, and revisit the conversation later.
2. Avoid defensiveness
Recognize your desire to explain away or defend your actions (such a human response!) and instead be Curious. Ask questions to gain insight into your loved one’s experience of your actions. Special Note: Please do NOT turn around and cross-complain about something your loved one does that bugs YOU! You very well may need to address that issue as well, but now is not the time. Leave that other conversation for another time, preferably another day.
3. Offer empathy and understanding
This is something that we aren’t able to do when we are feeling defensive! Actually, it’s the opposite of defensiveness. Work to make sure your loved one feels heard, understood, and validated. An effective way to do that is to listen to understand, not to explain or defend. Check in with yourself on where you are focusing when listening. If you are forming your response in your head as your loved one is talking, you are no longer listening to understand. Instead, reflectively listen. For example: “What I heard you say is you feel unimportant and overlooked when I am late or miss our appointment. Is that accurate?”
4. Accept responsibility
Despite your best intentions, if harm was done, acknowledge it. Own that the harm happened, even without you intending it. Once you understand the harm done (see number 3), apologize directly and without justification. “I am sad that you felt unimportant to me! I am committed to working hard at preventing that situation from happening next time.”
Also, take care not to decide what your loved one should or should not feel, or to make the decision that they are making too much of a big deal about an issue. Believe me when I say that behavior makes sense. If someone reacts more strongly to an issue than you feel is “justified”, that is a clear clue that a deeper issue is at play, and the surface issue (toilet seat) is just the surface issue. Go be a curious explorer and find out what the deeper issue is for your loved one.
5. Ask what your loved one needs from you now and in the future
Try saying, “What do you need from me right now to repair this rupture?” (This is good attachment language that I would use, but you might not! Feel free to modify to language that is authentic to you and your style of communicating.) Another question to ask is: “How can I say it/do it next time so that I don’t unintentionally hurt you?”
6. Commit to changing what caused the harm
Seek to practice awareness of impact and, if needed, to do the hard work of changing your patterns. The goal is for your words and actions (or, your intent and impact) to match.
Suggestions if you have been harmed:
1. Acknowledge good intentions
It can help your loved one to know that you believe the best about them, and you recognize they intended no harm. (Most of us don’t intend to harm!) Assuming bad intentions actually serves to make your distress worse. Instead, being able to acknowledge that their intentions are good can contribute to them accepting responsibility for the impact.
2. Name it
Keep in mind that clear is kind. If you are hurt, be honest about it. You might say something like, “Although I believe you didn’t intend to hurt me, I was hurt by _____________.” If you tend to be a pleaser, this might be really hard for you! However, I deeply resonate with Scott Peck’s definition of love: “The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s inner spiritual growth.” Another way of looking at it is, “loving someone for their highest good”. NOT addressing issues is actually not loving by this definition.
3. Gauge your reactivity and focus on emotional regulation
Notice this item is on both lists? Everything stated above applies to you, too. In addition, use “I” statements, and seek to address the harm without attack or anger. If you are angry or recognize your emotions are not regulated, step away for a few minutes. Take time to focus on self-soothing and processing what you are feeling, what got triggered, what you might have contributed, etc. Be soft in your tone and with your words.
4. Be careful not to blame your triggers on your loved one
Know what you are sensitive about, especially from early in life, as those wounds tend to be deep and easily triggered. For example, if you know you have a wound around not being a priority, don’t put the full weight on your loved one to ensure that wound doesn’t trigger. Say something like, “I’m aware that I’m sensitive to feeling overlooked. A way you can help me with that is to put a priority on letting me know when you will be late.” Remember that your heart is your deal, and that triggers point to places in us that are still in need of healing. Be willing to explore and work toward healing your wounds so that triggers aren’t as prevalent and don’t have as big of an impact on your relationships.
A suggestion for both of you:
Give your loved one opportunities to address unintentional harm you may have committed
Have a regular time to check in with one another. Perhaps do this once a month for people who don’t live together, or more frequently for relationships that have a lot of contact. You may want to have standard questions that you answer together. Some suggestions are:
- When have you felt loved and appreciated in the past week/month, etc.?
- Focusing on the positives can help balance out the hurts that are inevitable in all human relationships.
- Is there something I did recently that was hurtful to you?
- Having regular space to address this question can really help with the anxiety that is typical when you have a difficult conversation “hanging over your head”.
- Is there something you needed from me that you didn’t get recently?
- What do you need from me this next week/month/etc.?
Next Steps
For some of you, simply reading and applying this is enough to start making changes in how to relate to loved ones. However, many of us could benefit from the support and counsel of a kind, gentle, well-trained professional to help navigate the often difficult and painful path toward growth and healing. The therapists at Waystone Therapy Center are ready and waiting to support your healing journey. Here are some possible next steps:
If you need help navigating family issues with children ages 14 through adulthood, consider pursuing Whole Family Healing, our attachment-based family therapy approach that leverages co-therapists.
If you need help healing from unhealthy pleasing tendencies (for example, if my suggestion to Name It is difficult for you), consider our Overcoming Codependency group with Karis Rodila.
Beth Leonard, LMFT, Founder
Beth Leonard brings 12 years of experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in trauma. She graduated from Richmont Graduate University with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Sand Tray Therapy, Sex Therapy, and Trauma Therapy. In addition to her training, she is also a certified Brainspotting Practitioner.
Prior to her career as a therapist, Beth led church small group ministries, including training and coaching small group leaders. She earned her first Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from Florida State University in 1985. She worked with oncology, medical social work, and hospice.
In her spare time, Beth loves creating art using various mediums such as paint, fabric, clay, and yarn. She also enjoys hiking and kayaking with her Cavapoo puppies, and hanging out with her people.