July 29, 2025 | Beth Leonard, LMFT
Aiming for Value-Driven Self-Leadership
Stop Shooting at Roadrunners
In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I often see individuals and couples stuck in frustrating and exhausting patterns. One of the most common—and surprisingly sneaky—patterns is what happens when we set our sights on a hoped-for outcome from someone else. I call it shooting at roadrunners. It happens when we aren’t congruent with our inner values and commitments, what I’ve termed value-driven self-leadership.
What are Roadrunners?
Imagine you’re in the desert. You’re trying to shoot your target, but instead of aiming at one that’s stationary, you’re tracking a fast-moving, unpredictable roadrunner. That roadrunner zigs, zags, hides behind rocks, and disappears just when you think you’ve got a clear shot. You keep aiming, adjusting, trying harder. You end up contorting yourself in vain, because you rarely hit the mark, and you’re left feeling depleted – and can easily start believing you are the problem.
What does the roadrunner represent? Trying to get a hoped for outcome from the other person. It’s the emotional gymnastics we do to try and get a desired response, such as validation, love, acceptance, gratitude, or control, while avoiding a feared response, such as anger, frustration or withdrawal from a loved one or friend. It’s thinking, If I just say it the right way, maybe they won’t get upset. Or If I give more, maybe I’ll finally be loved back the way I want.
In relationships, we shoot at roadrunners every time we:
- Try to say the “right” thing to avoid conflict.
- Change our behavior in hopes of controlling someone else’s response.
- Hide our true feelings to maintain harmony.
- Shape-shift into what we think others want us to be.
In short: Shooting at roadrunners is trying to change other people by changing yourself—at the cost of your authenticity. It’s letting outside factors inform what you do and how you show up, instead of acting intentionally in accordance with your values (value-driven self-leadership). It’s an exhausting game—and it rarely works.
The High Cost of Roadrunner Chasing
When we orient our behavior around what we think will get a certain response from others, we abandon our own internal compass. This doesn’t just exhaust us, it can erode intimacy, blur our boundaries, cause feelings of powerlessness, and create resentment. Over time we can lose sight of our values and feel disconnected from our true selves.
Here are some signs you might be caught in this pattern:
- You frequently ask yourself, “What do they want me to say?”
- You replay conversations in your head, wishing you’d done or said something different to “keep the peace.”
- You feel like you’re losing touch with who you are and what you want, believe, or value.
- You’re often disappointed or confused when your efforts don’t lead to the outcome you hoped for.
- You anxiously watch to see how others respond to what you say or do, and you aren’t at peace unless they are okay (I call this outside-in peace).
Why Shooting at Roadrunners Doesn’t Work
Because the “target” is constantly moving. The other person’s moods, needs, triggers, and interpretations are outside your control. You might hit the mark, but it’s rare and you aren’t likely to hit it consistently. When your focus is on managing others instead of living from your own truth, you end up feeling anxious, resentful, and disconnected—from others and yourself.
But there is a rub here as well: you learned over time, likely starting in childhood, that shooting at roadrunners was needed either to protect or connect. You might be stuck in lifelong patterns, especially if they are connected to trauma. It might feel super scary to shift those patterns, and even when you feel you can, it isn’t easy! More on that later.
What If You Aimed at a Stationary Target?
There’s a healthier, more grounded alternative: stop aiming at the roadrunner. Instead, aim at a stationary target—something that doesn’t run, doesn’t hide, and doesn’t depend on someone else’s reactions.
That stationary target is value-driven self leadership. It looks like: “Who do I want to be in this moment?” If you’re a person of faith, it’s also, “Who is God calling me to be?”
It’s defined by your character, not by the outcome.
Imagine replacing “How do I get them to like me or do what I want?” with:
- “How can I be kind and honest, even if they’re disappointed?”
- “How can I express what I need while still being respectful?”
- “How can I be assertive?”, meaning how can I honor and respect myself AND the other person?
- “What are my values and am I living out of them?”
- “What does integrity look like here?”
When you shoot at this kind of target, you’re choosing to live from the inside out – from a place of value-driven self leadership. Your peace comes from living congruently, and your actions become expressions of your values, not reactions to someone else’s behavior.
What if You Can’t Even Find the Target?
If you often felt unsafe as a child, or you experienced trauma, this journey needs a different approach. You may need to find healing from the impact of trauma memory, which isn’t “time stamped.” In other words, you don’t perceive that your thoughts, feelings, and body reactions are connected to the past event, even though they are. Then you can easily get triggered in the present because of the live wire left over from unhealed trauma. When that happens, you may not even realize that your reactions are memory; they all get connected to the current situation instead.
A hint that might be happening is when you or others observe that your reactions are much bigger than the situation might typically call for. And in those moments, you might very quickly (and even without your awareness) get dysregulated and switch to “fight, flight or freeze” mode. At that point, you can’t just choose to live out of your values; your brain can’t even access your values! If this applies to you, I encourage you to find healing through therapy. Our team members offer evidenced-based practices that go beyond talk therapy.
You might be aware of trauma in your history, but might still find yourself unable to follow through on shifting your target. It’s likely that your hesitation is pointing to an area that needs healing or developing. This is a great thing to bring into therapy. That way, whatever is blocking your ability to live in value-driven self leadership can be healed and matured. Over time, rather than outside-in peace or outside-in value, you can learn to live inside out, aligned with your values and commitments.
Shooting at a Target You Can Hit
It takes self-reflection and intention to set your target according to value-driven self leadership. First, you may find it helpful to define your values and commitments. Maybe you value integrity, compassion, honesty, and self-respect. Those become your targets. Second, make sure that your targets are stationary by using this test: can I hit this target even if the other person doesn’t agree or cooperate? Is this value or commitment in my control? For example, can I be kind even if someone else is reactive or unkind? Third, ask what does it look like practically when I live out of this value? If you need further help with defining your values and commitments, download this free worksheet.
What Changes When You Switch Targets?
When clients begin this shift—from chasing outcomes in others that they can’t control to embodying values—something beautiful happens. They feel more grounded. Conflicts become less about winning and more about being real. Relationships get more honest, more resilient, and, yes—more loving, even if messier at times.
And when others don’t respond how they hoped? They can still feel proud of how they showed up. Why? Because they aimed at something solid. Something that matters.
Interested in defining your own stationary target? Therapy is a space to uncover and live from your core values. Whether you’re navigating tension with a partner, a child, or a friend, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s authenticity. Let’s talk.
Often the inability to separate in healthy ways from others can be related to codependency. Our team member Karis Rodila runs an 8-week therapy group for people struggling with codependency that I highly recommend.
If you’d like to begin defining your values on your own, take a look at this helpful worksheet. It’s designed to help you think through and explore your values and commitments so that you have them as a blueprint for self-leadership.
Beth Leonard, LMFT, Founder
Beth Leonard brings 12 years of experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in trauma. She graduated from Richmont Graduate University with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Sand Tray Therapy, Sex Therapy, and Trauma Therapy. In addition to her training, she is also a certified Brainspotting Practitioner.
Prior to her career as a therapist, Beth led church small group ministries, including training and coaching small group leaders. She earned her first Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from Florida State University in 1985. She worked with oncology, medical social work, and hospice.
In her spare time, Beth loves creating art using various mediums such as paint, fabric, clay, and yarn. She also enjoys hiking and kayaking with her Cavapoo puppies, and hanging out with her people.
Additional resources for this article: OpenAI. (2023). ChatGPT (Mar 14 version) [Large language model]. https://chat.openai.com/chat