June 27, 2025 | Karis Rodila, LPC, LMFT
Boundaries Are Love: For Yourself and Others
There’s a quote I came across that stopped me in my tracks when I first read it:
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
– Prentis Hemphill
This really made me think. How are boundaries loving? How is distance good for a relationship? It seemed counterintuitive to me. However, as I sat with this statement more, it began to make sense.
What Boundaries Actually Are
Imagine going to the zoo with your family or friends. You’re enjoying the day, looking at all the amazing animals. However, you notice that the fences around the animal enclosures are simple chain-link. It doesn’t bother you too much when looking at the zebras or even the giraffes, but when you get to the tigers, lions, and bears (oh my!), you begin to feel uncomfortable and unsafe. You can no longer be present with the people around you or enjoy the animals because all you can think about is that flimsy fence separating you from a predator.
Boundaries are the fences we build in our lives and relationships so that there is safety to enjoy them to the fullest. This is why boundaries are so essential. They are an important part of our relationships because they allow us to determine how much access we give to others. They also provide the personal power to set limits on that access.
This doesn’t mean that setting boundaries is easy or comfortable. Quite the opposite. Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when we are not used to it. In fact, the people around us may not understand or may be angry that we’ve limited their access to us. However, when we feel empowered to set limits, we can show up in healthier ways because fear and resentment no longer control us.
So, How Do We Set Good Limits?
For something to be a boundary, four qualities need to be met. In the therapy world, we call this The Boundary Filter:
- A boundary must keep me safe. (If it doesn’t, it’s not a boundary.) Safety also doesn’t mean that boundaries won’t hurt emotionally or negatively impact my relationships. This filter is about keeping myself physically safe and minimizing mental and emotional damage.
- I must be willing and able to follow through on holding the boundary. (If not, it’s not a boundary.) This means that I am willing to enact the consequences if my boundaries are crossed. It also means the consequence is something I am able to do because it’s in my personal power to do it.
- The boundary must be 100% in my control. (If it’s not, then it’s not a boundary). A boundary is not, “If you do ____ then I will make you ___.” I have no power or control to “make” anyone do anything. To believe otherwise is to disempower myself and stay stuck. Boundaries are all about my personal power and what I can do to keep myself safe, while also showing up as healthy as I can.
- A boundary can be kept even if the other person disagrees. (If not, it’s not a boundary.) If a boundary’s consequences are 100% in my control, it means I can hold my boundary even if the other person disagrees, is upset, or pushes back. Again, boundaries are all about my personal power and what I have control over.
When to Set Boundaries
Now that we’ve covered the what, we can focus on the when. How do we know if we need to set boundaries with some people in our lives? There could be many signs that a boundary is needed.
The most common indicator I see in my clients and in myself is resentment. If I begin to feel resentment towards someone for what they do or what they ask of me, I know I need to pause and pay attention. There is probably a boundary that is being crossed or a limit missing from the relationship. Other signs that boundaries are needed could be anxiety, fatigue, or not wanting to spend time with someone.
Once you have the awareness that a boundary is needed, you must determine what it needs to be set around: yourself (your unhealthy coping) or them (others’ unhealthy behaviors). Your personal unhealthy coping might include people pleasing, taking responsibility for things and feelings that aren’t yours, over functioning in relationships to keep the other person happy, etc. Other people’s unhealthy behaviors include addiction patterns, victim mentality, demands on your time and energy, etc.
Boundaries Aren't a Cure-All... But They Do Help!
Now here is the hard truth about boundaries: they aren’t necessarily going to make our pain go away. It’s probably going to hurt mentally and emotionally. They are going to change our relationships, and not always for the easier. They are going to cost us, because once we set the boundary, if it’s really a boundary, we give up the right to complain about the other person’s behavior. However, there are so many reasons to have hope.
Boundaries do improve our lives and can improve our relationships. In practicing healthy relational limitations, we learn to trust ourselves and our personal power to keep ourselves safe. We can experience existing relationships differently. Additionally, we can form new relationships in healthier ways with healthier people who will honor and respect our limits. We can be more empowered to ask for what we need from others without demanding. And we can wisely observe whether someone else is healthy enough to honor our vulnerability.
Stepping Into Your Power
Boundaries are both challenging and so lifegiving to us and our relationships. If you think that you would benefit from learning more about boundaries and how/when to set them, consider reaching out to a therapist. They will have resources to help you process and understand the importance of having your own voice and power.
I also lead groups for individuals who struggle with codependency, a variety of behaviors that show up in relationships as a means of maintaining a sense of control in unhealthy or unpredictable situations. Typical signs of codependency include: people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, low sense of self, difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions, and a need for control. If you think you could benefit from the group, please feel free to send me an inquiry at karis@waystonelmft.com.
Remember, boundaries are the means by which we love ourselves and others well.
For some helpful tools and guidance with implementing boundaries in your personal life, consider talking to a therapist.
To join a community of like-minded people seeking to break patterns of codependence, consider our Codependency Group.
Karis Rodila, LPC, LMFT
Karis Rodila studied psychology at Berry College and received her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from Richmont Graduate University. She specializes in working with adolescents (16+) and adults navigating different life circumstances like trauma, anxiety, depression, life transitions, relationship challenges, and more. Karis works with individuals as well as couples, and she is passionate about coming alongside her clients to help them discover their personal power. In her free time, she enjoys drinking coffee, spending time with her friends, and reading books by her favorite author, Brandon Sanderson. Disclaimer: If you ask her about Sanderson, be prepared for a lengthy and impassioned conversation!