Relationships Archives

November 14, 2025November 15, 2025

Managing Holiday Stress

November 14, 2025 | Karis Rodila, LPC, LMFT

Managing Holiday Stress

A Therapist’s Guide to Thriving in the Holidays

Oh, it’s the holiday family madness,
Equal parts joy and sadness,
Every single year!
You laugh, you cry, you’re stressin’,
But somehow count your blessin’s,
For the ones you hold so dear!

It is the most wonderful time of the year! There is so much to be grateful for and so many fun things to anticipate. At the same time, the holidays bring a lot of busyness, stress, and even grief that can be difficult to navigate. Not to mention the strain that the holidays can put on relationships with the intricacies of differing political or religious beliefs, complicated family history, or financial stresses. In this blog post, I am going to outline some strategies to thrive this holiday season, instead of just surviving.

Unwrap Your Feelings

The holidays can be an emotionally charged time of year. It can be difficult to slow down and be with our emotions in the normal day-to-day, but around the stress of the holidays, it’s even more of a challenge. However, if our emotions are not cared for, they can come out at the most inopportune times (Hello, fights over Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner!). It’s important to reflect on what we are experiencing and seek to regulate our emotions.

Notice, Name, and Normalize

We can do this by first practicing awareness. When we notice a strong sensation in our body, it can be helpful to take a pause to reflect on what emotion we are feeling. This serves to kick-start the process of emotional regulation. Then, we need to put a name to the sensation. Naming what we are feeling can decrease how intensely we feel the emotion. Next, normalizing our experience helps to lower our emotional activation further.

A simple example of naming and normalizing is, “I feel stressed about finances surrounding the holidays, and that makes sense. Anyone in my position would feel the same way.” Seek to be curious about your emotions and your experiences. The holidays can be a triggering time, and we need gentleness, not judgment, in navigating the things that come up for us.

What's Mine vs. What's Yours

When the emotions of others start to impact us, it can be difficult to separate ourselves from those feelings. We are around a lot of people during the holidays, and there will likely be moments of conflict or high emotional activation. It’s important to remember that the other person’s emotions are not our responsibility, and we don’t have to let their “bad mood” impact our “good mood.”

This is what we call differentiation. It’s a therapeutic term that means having a distinct sense of self that is separate from others, while still maintaining a healthy connection to others. With my clients, I like to talk about loving detachment, meaning that I can love someone while also having boundaries around my emotional responses to their distress or dysregulation. I like to think of Phoebe’s line from the show, Friends, (Season 1, Episode 2: “The One with the Thumb”) where she says, “Not mine. Not mine.” It helps to remind me that others’ feelings and experiences are not my responsibility to fix. Letting go of the things that aren’t in our control is scary and freeing.

Deck the Halls, Not Your Stress Levels

As I’ve already said, the holidays can be stressful with all of their hustle and bustle. It’s important to find healthy ways to manage our stress, especially during this time of year. Some important areas of focus for managing stress are getting adequate rest, using healthy coping skills, and having safe people in our support system.

All I Want for Christmas is a Nap

Rest is an important aspect of self-care and stress management. Having a healthy sleep routine can help lower stress levels and provide energy for the tasks of the day. This is basic, yet it can be easy to forget how important good sleep is. Try to set boundaries around screen use in the evening and set up a nightly routine that could involve self-care hygiene practices and basic bedtime tasks. It can also be helpful to set aside one day a week for rest and restoration rather than more errands and busyness.

Fa-la-la-la Ahhh...

Healthy coping skills are another great tool for regulating our stress/emotions. This can involve exercise, journaling, and breath work. A breathing technique you might try is 4-7-8 breathing. You breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, hold that breath to a count of 7 (hold it for less time if 7 is not sustainable for you), and then exhale for a count of 8 by blowing the breath out like you’re blowing out a candle. Repeat until you feel calmer.

Good coping skills can also include grounding and mindfulness practices. Grounding is anything that helps you to be more present. I like to divide grounding techniques by the five senses. So, touch something pleasant, smell an enjoyable scent, listen to music that changes or matches your mood, taste a treat you like, and look at something calming or beautiful. Be creative in what healthy coping skills help you.

May Your Support System be Merry and Bright

Identifying safe people in your life to support you is a good way to manage holiday stress. A safe person is characterized by how trustworthy they are and how well they handle your emotions. They have the ability to be with you in your stress without rushing to fix it for you. Safe people provide a space to vent, seek encouragement, or ask for their opinion on how we are showing up in the situation. This support is even more helpful when it’s a two-way street. When you have the chance to be a safe person for someone else, not only is it beneficial for them, but it also gives you a mental break from your situation for a little while.

The Gift of Boundaries

Because of how much social interaction is baked in, the holidays are a great time to review and practice the concept of setting boundaries. There are many expectations during this time of year, from time together, taking part in traditions, and providing food and gifts for the people we love. At the same time, these good things can start to feel like obligations when we think we “have to” say “yes” to everything. This can lead to feelings of resentment, which impact the way we show up with others.

It’s important to practice awareness of where we may feel resentment or stretched too thin. These are often the first indicators that boundaries are needed. Remember that boundaries are “the distance at which I can love myself and the other person simultaneously.” They are not to punish the other person or manipulate them into doing what we want. They are for us to have the space to care for ourselves and the relationship.

Have Yourself a Healthy Little Boundary

Time with loved ones is extremely important, especially around the holidays. Nevertheless, if that time together is marked by quiet resentment, passive-aggressive behavior, or even explosive conflict, that’s not good for the relationship either. It is better to have boundaries than to damage the relationship with our resentment and anger. Think through your boundaries around:

the amount of time you spend with people who are challenging for you
what events you say yes to
how much you spend on food and gifts

It is also valid to set boundaries and expectations about protecting time for us and our families. Whether you are single, married, or have children of your own, it is important to protect that “one–on–one time” if it’s something you value. Boundaries in this instance may look like:

“We are not going to travel to anyone’s house on Christmas morning because we want to have that time with [our family]. We would love to spend time with you before or after that day, but will be unavailable on Christmas Day.”

This is a boundary that is 100% in your control, even if others disagree.

Sleigh Your Spending

Everything is more expensive today than it was last year. Finance is often a significant source of stress in day-to-day life, and that stress only seems to grow with the holidays. With so many events to attend, food to provide, and presents to buy, it can feel like we are working with a “shoe-string budget.” It can often be tempting to overspend and not worry about the bills until the new year. However, this solution doesn’t actually solve the problem; it just kicks it down the road. Here are a couple of tips to manage your money well during the holidays.

Set a budget and stick to it. Plan how much you will put towards each person or event on your list and do your best to not spend above what you planned.
Give homemade presents instead of store-bought ones. Some homemade presents require more craftiness than others, but there are plenty of options out there for any skill level. Cater to your strengths, and where possible, buy supplies in bulk to save more.
Focus on experiences, rather than things. Maybe buy fewer presents this year and get a craft that everyone can do together. Or you could drive around the neighborhood together looking for the best decorated house. Bring along snacks and a thermos of hot chocolate, and don’t forget your favorite holiday music. Focus on traditions that are high in relationship value, but low in financial cost. Get creative! (For more ideas, check out this list of Free and Low-Cost Holiday Activities.)

Finance can be stressful, and with some creativity and foresight they don’t have to take away from our holiday celebrations.

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

My final thought for ways to thrive this holiday season is the idea of “taking in the good.” This concept comes from Rick Hanson’s book, Hardwiring Happiness. I like to say, “What you focus on, you amplify,” meaning that what gets our attention becomes stronger. So, if we focus on the stress, annoyance, or frustrations of the holiday season, that is what we will notice more quickly and feel more deeply. However, if we focus on taking in the good, positive things about this season, we will more easily find them and feel better overtime. This doesn’t mean ignoring the bad things (see above on unwrapping your feelings). Instead, it’s about finding a better balance in what we give our attention to.

To “take in the good,” we must first practice awareness of the possible good things happening around us. Maybe we notice what it feels like to be with the family members we love or the smell of grandma’s cooking or the laughter coming from the children playing games. When we find something that feels uplifting or good to us, we focus on it, seeking to enhance the experience with our attention.

We can also practice gratitude, noticing and giving thanks for the things in our lives. Research shows that even the act of looking for things to be grateful for can improve our mood and decrease stress. It seems like such a small thing, but our brain is powerful, and what we give our attention will influence how we feel.

Final Thoughts and a Farewell to the Year

The holiday season brings its own unique stress, grief, and busyness. However, with the right tools, we can navigate this time of year well and find enjoyment in it. For a more in–depth look at some of the concepts mentioned in this blog, check out our other posts from earlier in the year. Blogs such as “The Importance of Feeling Your Feelings,” my post on “Boundaries are Love: For Yourself and Others,” and Kiki’s on “Content vs. Meaning-Making,” could all be helpful. They provide more detailed tools and resources for navigating the holidays and the new year in healthy ways. Until next year, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from us at Waystone Therapy Center!

The Importance of Feeling Your Feelings

Learn what happens when we don’t feel our feelings, and practical techniques for letting ourselves “go there”.

Boundaries are Love: For Yourself and Others

Discover what boundaries are (and aren’t!) and how to implement them to protect yourself and others.

Content vs. Meaning-Making

Learn about the two layers of communication and how to attend to the deeper level that often gets missed.

Karis Rodila, LPC, LMFT

Karis Rodila studied psychology at Berry College and received her Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from Richmont Graduate University. She specializes in working with adolescents (16+) and adults navigating different life circumstances like trauma, anxiety, depression, life transitions, relationship challenges, and more. Karis works with individuals as well as couples, and she is passionate about coming alongside her clients to help them discover their personal power. In her free time, she enjoys drinking coffee, spending time with her friends, and reading books by her favorite author, Brandon Sanderson. Disclaimer: If you ask her about Sanderson, be prepared for a lengthy and impassioned conversation!

July 29, 2025September 26, 2025

Aiming for Value-Driven Self-Leadership

July 29, 2025 | Beth Leonard, LMFT

Aiming for Value-Driven Self-Leadership

Stop Shooting at Roadrunners

In my work as a marriage and family therapist, I often see individuals and couples stuck in frustrating and exhausting patterns. One of the most common—and surprisingly sneaky—patterns is what happens when we set our sights on a hoped-for outcome from someone else. I call it shooting at roadrunners. It happens when we aren’t congruent with our inner values and commitments, what I’ve termed value-driven self-leadership.

What are Roadrunners?

Imagine you’re in the desert. You’re trying to shoot your target, but instead of aiming at one that’s stationary, you’re tracking a fast-moving, unpredictable roadrunner. That roadrunner zigs, zags, hides behind rocks, and disappears just when you think you’ve got a clear shot. You keep aiming, adjusting, trying harder. You end up contorting yourself in vain, because you rarely hit the mark, and you’re left feeling depleted – and can easily start believing you are the problem.

What does the roadrunner represent? Trying to get a hoped for outcome from the other person. It’s the emotional gymnastics we do to try and get a desired response, such as validation, love, acceptance, gratitude, or control, while avoiding a feared response, such as anger, frustration or withdrawal from a loved one or friend. It’s thinking, If I just say it the right way, maybe they won’t get upset. Or If I give more, maybe I’ll finally be loved back the way I want.

In relationships, we shoot at roadrunners every time we:

Try to say the “right” thing to avoid conflict.
Change our behavior in hopes of controlling someone else’s response.
Hide our true feelings to maintain harmony.
Shape-shift into what we think others want us to be.

In short: Shooting at roadrunners is trying to change other people by changing yourself—at the cost of your authenticity. It’s letting outside factors inform what you do and how you show up, instead of acting intentionally in accordance with your values (value-driven self-leadership). It’s an exhausting game—and it rarely works.

The High Cost of Roadrunner Chasing

When we orient our behavior around what we think will get a certain response from others, we abandon our own internal compass. This doesn’t just exhaust us, it can erode intimacy, blur our boundaries, cause feelings of powerlessness, and create resentment. Over time we can lose sight of our values and feel disconnected from our true selves.

Here are some signs you might be caught in this pattern:

You frequently ask yourself, “What do they want me to say?”
You replay conversations in your head, wishing you’d done or said something different to “keep the peace.”
You feel like you’re losing touch with who you are and what you want, believe, or value.
You’re often disappointed or confused when your efforts don’t lead to the outcome you hoped for.
You anxiously watch to see how others respond to what you say or do, and you aren’t at peace unless they are okay (I call this outside-in peace).

Why Shooting at Roadrunners Doesn’t Work

Because the “target” is constantly moving. The other person’s moods, needs, triggers, and interpretations are outside your control. You might hit the mark, but it’s rare and you aren’t likely to hit it consistently. When your focus is on managing others instead of living from your own truth, you end up feeling anxious, resentful, and disconnected—from others and yourself.

But there is a rub here as well: you learned over time, likely starting in childhood, that shooting at roadrunners was needed either to protect or connect. You might be stuck in lifelong patterns, especially if they are connected to trauma. It might feel super scary to shift those patterns, and even when you feel you can, it isn’t easy! More on that later.

What If You Aimed at a Stationary Target?

There’s a healthier, more grounded alternative: stop aiming at the roadrunner. Instead, aim at a stationary target—something that doesn’t run, doesn’t hide, and doesn’t depend on someone else’s reactions.

That stationary target is value-driven self leadership. It looks like: “Who do I want to be in this moment?” If you’re a person of faith, it’s also, “Who is God calling me to be?”

It’s defined by your character, not by the outcome.

Imagine replacing “How do I get them to like me or do what I want?” with:

“How can I be kind and honest, even if they’re disappointed?”
“How can I express what I need while still being respectful?”
“How can I be assertive?”, meaning how can I honor and respect myself AND the other person?
“What are my values and am I living out of them?”
“What does integrity look like here?”

When you shoot at this kind of target, you’re choosing to live from the inside out – from a place of value-driven self leadership. Your peace comes from living congruently, and your actions become expressions of your values, not reactions to someone else’s behavior.

What if You Can’t Even Find the Target?

If you often felt unsafe as a child, or you experienced trauma, this journey needs a different approach. You may need to find healing from the impact of trauma memory, which isn’t “time stamped.” In other words, you don’t perceive that your thoughts, feelings, and body reactions are connected to the past event, even though they are. Then you can easily get triggered in the present because of the live wire left over from unhealed trauma. When that happens, you may not even realize that your reactions are memory; they all get connected to the current situation instead.

A hint that might be happening is when you or others observe that your reactions are much bigger than the situation might typically call for. And in those moments, you might very quickly (and even without your awareness) get dysregulated and switch to “fight, flight or freeze” mode. At that point, you can’t just choose to live out of your values; your brain can’t even access your values! If this applies to you, I encourage you to find healing through therapy. Our team members offer evidenced-based practices that go beyond talk therapy.

You might be aware of trauma in your history, but might still find yourself unable to follow through on shifting your target. It’s likely that your hesitation is pointing to an area that needs healing or developing. This is a great thing to bring into therapy. That way, whatever is blocking your ability to live in value-driven self leadership can be healed and matured. Over time, rather than outside-in peace or outside-in value, you can learn to live inside out, aligned with your values and commitments.

Shooting at a Target You Can Hit

It takes self-reflection and intention to set your target according to value-driven self leadership. First, you may find it helpful to define your values and commitments. Maybe you value integrity, compassion, honesty, and self-respect. Those become your targets. Second, make sure that your targets are stationary by using this test: can I hit this target even if the other person doesn’t agree or cooperate? Is this value or commitment in my control? For example, can I be kind even if someone else is reactive or unkind? Third, ask what does it look like practically when I live out of this value? If you need further help with defining your values and commitments, download this free worksheet.

What Changes When You Switch Targets?

When clients begin this shift—from chasing outcomes in others that they can’t control to embodying values—something beautiful happens. They feel more grounded. Conflicts become less about winning and more about being real. Relationships get more honest, more resilient, and, yes—more loving, even if messier at times.

And when others don’t respond how they hoped? They can still feel proud of how they showed up. Why? Because they aimed at something solid. Something that matters.

Interested in defining your own stationary target? Therapy is a space to uncover and live from your core values. Whether you’re navigating tension with a partner, a child, or a friend, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s authenticity. Let’s talk.

Often the inability to separate in healthy ways from others can be related to codependency. Our team member Karis Rodila runs an 8-week therapy group for people struggling with codependency that I highly recommend.

If you’d like to begin defining your values on your own, take a look at this helpful worksheet. It’s designed to help you think through and explore your values and commitments so that you have them as a blueprint for self-leadership.

Beth Leonard, LMFT, Founder

Beth Leonard brings 12 years of experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in trauma. She graduated from Richmont Graduate University with a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is trained in EMDR, Sand Tray Therapy, Sex Therapy, and Trauma Therapy. In addition to her training, she is also a certified Brainspotting Practitioner.

Prior to her career as a therapist, Beth led church small group ministries, including training and coaching small group leaders. She earned her first Master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from Florida State University in 1985. She worked with oncology, medical social work, and hospice.

In her spare time, Beth loves creating art using various mediums such as paint, fabric, clay, and yarn. She also enjoys hiking and kayaking with her Cavapoo puppies, and hanging out with her people.

Additional resources for this article: OpenAI. (2023). ChatGPT (Mar 14 version) [Large language model]. https://chat.openai.com/chat

June 27, 2025September 26, 2025

Boundaries Are Love: For Yourself and Others

June 27, 2025 | Karis Rodila, LPC, LMFT

Boundaries Are Love: For Yourself and Others

There’s a quote I came across that stopped me in my tracks when I first read it:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
– Prentis Hemphill

This really made me think. How are boundaries loving? How is distance good for a relationship? It seemed counterintuitive to me. However, as I sat with this statement more, it began to make sense.

What Boundaries Actually Are

Imagine going to the zoo with your family or friends. You’re enjoying the day, looking at all the amazing animals. However, you notice that the fences around the animal enclosures are simple chain-link. It doesn’t bother you too much when looking at the zebras or even the giraffes, but when you get to the tigers, lions, and bears (oh my!), you begin to feel uncomfortable and unsafe. You can no longer be present with the people around you or enjoy the animals because all you can think about is that flimsy fence separating you from a predator.

Boundaries are the fences we build in our lives and relationships so that there is safety to enjoy them to the fullest. This is why boundaries are so essential. They are an important part of our relationships because they allow us to determine how much access we give to others. They also provide the personal power to set limits on that access.

This doesn’t mean that setting boundaries is easy or comfortable. Quite the opposite. Setting boundaries is difficult, especially when we are not used to it. In fact, the people around us may not understand or may be angry that we’ve limited their access to us. However, when we feel empowered to set limits, we can show up in healthier ways because fear and resentment no longer control us.

So, How Do We Set Good Limits?

For something to be a boundary, four qualities need to be met. In the therapy world, we call this The Boundary Filter:

A boundary must keep me safe. (If it doesn’t, it’s not a boundary.) Safety also doesn’t mean that boundaries won’t hurt emotionally or negatively impact my relationships. This filter is about keeping myself physically safe and minimizing mental and emotional damage.
I must be willing and able to follow through on holding the boundary. (If not, it’s not a boundary.) This means that I am willing to enact the consequences if my boundaries are crossed. It also means the consequence is something I am able to do because it’s in my personal power to do it.
The boundary must be 100% in my control. (If it’s not, then it’s not a boundary). A boundary is not, “If you do ____ then I will make you ___.” I have no power or control to “make” anyone do anything. To believe otherwise is to disempower myself and stay stuck. Boundaries are all about my personal power and what I can do to keep myself safe, while also showing up as healthy as I can.
A boundary can be kept even if the other person disagrees. (If not, it’s not a boundary.) If a boundary’s consequences are 100% in my control, it means I can hold my boundary even if the other person disagrees, is upset, or pushes back. Again, boundaries are all about my personal power and what I have control over.

When to Set Boundaries

Now that we’ve covered the what, we can focus on the when. How do we know if we need to set boundaries with some people in our lives? There could be many signs that a boundary is needed.

The most common indicator I see in my clients and in myself is resentment. If I begin to feel resentment towards someone for what they do or what they ask of me, I know I need to pause and pay attention. There is probably a boundary that is being crossed or a limit missing from the relationship. Other signs that boundaries are needed could be anxiety, fatigue, or not wanting to spend time with someone.

Once you have the awareness that a boundary is needed, you must determine what it needs to be set around: yourself (your unhealthy coping) or them (others’ unhealthy behaviors). Your personal unhealthy coping might include people pleasing, taking responsibility for things and feelings that aren’t yours, over functioning in relationships to keep the other person happy, etc. Other people’s unhealthy behaviors include addiction patterns, victim mentality, demands on your time and energy, etc.

Boundaries Aren't a Cure-All... But They Do Help!

Now here is the hard truth about boundaries: they aren’t necessarily going to make our pain go away. It’s probably going to hurt mentally and emotionally. They are going to change our relationships, and not always for the easier. They are going to cost us, because once we set the boundary, if it’s really a boundary, we give up the right to complain about the other person’s behavior. However, there are so many reasons to have hope.

Boundaries do improve our lives and can improve our relationships. In practicing healthy relational limitations, we learn to trust ourselves and our personal power to keep ourselves safe. We can experience existing relationships differently. Additionally, we can form new relationships in healthier ways with healthier people who will honor and respect our limits. We can be more empowered to ask for what we need from others without demanding. And we can wisely observe whether someone else is healthy enough to honor our vulnerability.

Stepping Into Your Power

Boundaries are both challenging and so lifegiving to us and our relationships. If you think that you would benefit from learning more about boundaries and how/when to set them, consider reaching out to a therapist. They will have resources to help you process and understand the importance of having your own voice and power.

I also lead groups for individuals who struggle with codependency, a variety of behaviors that show up in relationships as a means of maintaining a sense of control in unhealthy or unpredictable situations. Typical signs of codependency include: people-pleasing, lack of boundaries, low sense of self, difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions, and a need for control. If you think you could benefit from the group, please feel free to send me an inquiry at karis@waystonelmft.com.

Remember, boundaries are the means by which we love ourselves and others well.

For some helpful tools and guidance with implementing boundaries in your personal life, consider talking to a therapist.

To join a community of like-minded people seeking to break patterns of codependence, consider our Codependency Group.